Last single birthday?

I turned 38 years old today. It is officially my last birthday as a spinster. A never have been married 38 year old female. I don't feel 38. Some days I feel 18, some days I feel 28, some 68 today I feel like a whiney pouty 8 year old.

My name is not important. What I am is. If you look around Atlanta or this world you will see a bunch of over 35 unmarried or never married woman. It may be a choice, to focus on careers and ambitions. It maybe from being with the wrong guy or gal for the wrong time. It might be lack of focus on our need to be accepted and loved unconditionally. Or it may just be the luck of the draw. I thought honestly that I would never get married. I never dreamed of a white wedding unless it was a billy idol video. I never dreamt of wedding colors, or dresses. Floral arrangements make me uneasy and the man riding up on the white horse was never my dream. Did I want someone to spend my life with? Yes. I just couldn't find Mr. Right or have a clue on how to determine what was Mr. Right material. It was always Mr. Almost Right, Mr. Almost Certainly Going to Jail, Mr. Almost Available, Mr. Right Now. Never Mr. Right and now I don't believe in a Mr. Right. Because what was Mr. Right for you at 21 is different at 31 and still different at now 38.

With age comes maturity or so they say. A calm wisdom where you are comfortable with yourself, your decisions, your job, your man and of course your life. I have calmed down since 35. I'm not going to lie and say it happened before that. I was not calming down before then. I was chasing around Mr. Right Now while drinking and partying in excess. Having fun until the ugly lights came on, the band was done and it was Sunday morning and I wanted the sun to go away. Turn it off I would scream out my window. Shut up those kids, runners and birds that are outside my window. (Fists shaking!)

Then I settled down, decided I wanted to ditch my old digs. Move into a new neighborhood and sell all my belongs. Renew, Refresh and Reinvent. I would go focus on my career, traveling and going to photography school. No dating...no way!

One month later, October 31, 2011 I re- met my fiancé. We had been friends for over 12 years. We went out on one date 6 years earlier when I was too focused on Mr. Wrong to call him back.On our first bad date, he picked a nice restaurant, opened doors, had polite conversation throughout the meal, paid the bill. All the sweet nice things. But I wasn't into nice guys. So I never called him back. We ran into each other periodically and he never held a grudge. I know now he knew I just needed to get my shit together. Ditch Mr. Wrong and set some goals. Regroup. And that's exactly what happened.

We stared dating immediately after Halloween 2011. We moved in by Jan 2012 and he asked me to marry him unofficially in March 2012. Officially with the ring in August 2012. We will be married on my grandparent's anniversary October 15, 2013.

So I guess we get our happy ending. The date is set, the dress is picked out, the place is booked, the food is ordered, the preacher has been notified. Wedding party has been selected and although the invites have not been sent people know. Families, friends, co workers and bandmates have been told.

But just because you have lived together a year and have been engaged doesn't mean planning a wedding or life is easy. How do we blend lives, families, friends, religions, ideas and plans together. What sacrifices need to be made and by whom? What are the expectations? Do we have to have it all figured out?

This blog will detail how a fierce girl tries to pay for and plan a wedding who never dreamed of one under a small budget. It will also more than anything detail truthfully how our relationship handles the pressure. He is aware of the blog and supportive but he will will remain nameless.  This blog will be truthful, funny, uncomfortable and I hope enlightening. Will love conquer all?

So there is the background. Here is today's quick entry:

Every girl dreams once price charming puts that ring on her finger that birthday parties or dinners, gifts or just a card that will make you cry will just fall from heaven. Christmas and Valentines day are no longer a threat because your man will know exactly what you want or have something so nice planned that it will make you sing a little song in your heart. Bring tears of happiness to your eyes!

Reality check. It doesn't always work that way. I got sick for my birthday so my birthday party was cancelled. And nothing was planned by anyone except me. It's so hard anyway to merge my friends with his friends and our schedules. I cannot say I loved my birthday. It was our first big argument. Nothing went right. I missed my old friends and my family. My old life and my dreams of photography school.

He had every good intention but not the time to do it. Starting a new job to be home everyday for your fiancee is a sacrifice. It also makes things like time to plan or shop difficult. Also if you have never been engaged how does your man know what you want? I didn't realize that. I just wanted my huge parties of the past with all my friends that I realized have all moved or married.

My wishes for all things past and drinking the bridal Koolade that my man should have planned my birthday to the T just set everything up for failure. So what was suppose to be a birthday celebration was me on antibiotics and codeine cough syrup screaming at my soon to be husband who was equally screaming back.

Will we make it to the alter? Do we stand a chance? Can a do over birthday make the difference tomorrow? Do you really have to give up your old life for the one you love the most in the world. He never asked me to give up my friends or activities but being in love with a music man ain't always what it's suppose to be...(Insert Journey).

We will see...205 days to go...

January 1st New Blog

UESDAY, JANUARY 1, 2013

New Year/ New Blog

I loved my first blog. I wished I had kept up with it but at the time I didn't have the resources to keep it going. I was living in a crappy apartment with iffy internet service. My PC computer kept breaking and honestly I was stuck in a rut. Ever wanted to fix everything in one day. I am always like that. I want everything done immediately and I thought that with the blog I could reinvent myself, find love, loose weight and become this super woman who knew herself. The truth is I did reinvent myself, I did find love, I am still loosing weight, but I am still not a superwoman. I'm still trying to find footing in my life just in new ways. So with that being said, I know this year is going to be the most exciting year of my life. Why?

Well the short version is I sold every piece of furniture I had. Moved out of the crappy apartment that was 1200 feet to a new apartment that was 600 square feet. Swore off men and decided to focus on my career and going to photography school. Life has a funny way of changing your plans.

Within a month of moving in, I started dating a man. An old friend. I had progressed. I usually dated bad boys. Guys that were emotionally, physically or just plan unavailable. This man and I will be married in 296 days. We moved in warped speed. Dating now for only 13 months, we moved into a bigger apartment, adopted a dog and got engaged in August. With getting married, merging families, and planning a wedding a whole new set of issues have popped up. I haven't had to live with someone in a long time. That means compromise. I didn't know that I had to trust completely. That meant my husband to be had to patient with me.  It also meant me letting go of the ghost of relationships past. We both had to learn how to remain ourselves, blend families and friends. It's had it's challenges. I never thought that planning a wedding was so expensive, so time consuming. I didn't know my life would stay the same but change so drastically. So reinventing yourself at 35 is now getting married at 38. The blog will not just be about me getting married. It won't be just about place settings, dress colors, cake tasting etc. It will be about two people never married trying to figure it all out. I still don't know what I'm going to call it. I just know I'm going to do this!


It will still be heartfelt and honest. I hope you will enjoy it. Happy New Year!